We have splat up so many times. But each time we got back together on the same day. Or the latest on the next day.

Here we are. We broke up. This time seriously. I quit working at your company. We didn't even comunicate for a month. And i was so happy. I really was. I thought i didn't love you anymore. I didn't care for a change. You offered to meet up and be friends. 

Boy, i wish i didn't see you. 

Now when i see you and realize that we are no longer together… I am slowly dieing. I understand that there is nothing we can change. I am not even gonna try to. I am not even gonna think about it. That is it. That's the end. We are done. And i must to accept it. 

You have already made plans for your future. Your futere where there is no place for me. I am ok with that. I knew long time ago it would happen. It was only a question of time. I am, though, very glad that you finally feel happy. Doesn't matter with or without me. Matters only the fact that you are happy. 

I don't know what will be after you leave the country. I just don't know.

Boy, i had the best man ever. And i let you down. I let you go. I didn't fight for you.

Please, sweetheart, forgive me. Forgive me that i gave up our life and didn't fight for our love. 

I don't know if i will be able to forget you. I don't know if i will be able to stop feeling love towards you. If i am not able to there will be no life for me without you. I am too adicted to you. 

I don't know how to live without you. 

Please, God help me. 

I love you. Despite everything, you are the only person i truly love. You are the only man, that i think, is worthy of having a family and children with.

Some time ago, you kept saying that you love me and nothing will ever change that. I wonder if it is still so. Hm?

You offered to sleep with you. It was the first time for last year, at least. I try to remember that night, i try to remember your hands around my body, your breath on my neck, the wormth of your body, but i can't. I just cannot bring that image to my head. I don't know why. I suffer from it. 

i was reading my old messages and… there was a time when you were so sweet to me. But it is gone. I will put some here, just for myself. 

''Do you want to drive to Kiev with me tomorrow at 11''

27/04/13 17:53

''I love you''

29/04/13 12:11

''I am in England and so sad and lonely without my heart and soul''

17/07/13 22:32

''You are my universe, you bring me light and hope and your body is my stars''

17/07/13 22:36

''Sorry i did not call. I went to the opera by myself, it was Ukrainian) i know you work tomorrow, so i did not want to wake you. I love you honey''

02/08/13 00:37

''I love you'' 

14/08/13 18:06

''Kiss your pretty ;ips and your pretty bum. I love you my angel''

18/08/13 19:27

''Never forget that i love you, nothing will change that''

04/01/13 16:36

''I love you too and your big feet''

05/01/13 14:35

''Good night baby please don't be bad… be my angel''

09/01/13 22:47

Where are these times? I miss you

I still remember how you were biting me up when i laied on the floor. 

I can't still throw that picture out of my head. Maybe because you didn't apologise for it… You said ''I am sorry, there is no excuse for me, what else can i say'' when i mentioned that story. But it isn't an apology from your heart. You are not really sorry for that. 

Now we can go on. It was just something i had to let out of my chest.

***

You said ''I wish i could switch and make all of you just disapear'' — be careful what you wish for! And by the way, why don't you tell that everyone in the company? Why do i have to listen to insults and nobody else?

I am so sick of being insulted all the time. I really am. I make mistakes, but never let myself to insult you or say anything negative. You do and i am tired of that.

You said you have been sick for the last three years. Last three years? Isn't it the time we have been together? Oh… It is..? Well, so i was there for you when you were at your worst and this is what i get for it? Terribly treated?

Yes, you were right. Only one month left and you can go fuck yourself with your new beautiful girlfriend. 

I wonder, if life keeps you in some specific envirement for a while, do you get used to it? I mean does it become something you are seeking for? And the time, when you saw it as something against your will gets to be something you accept, goes away?

I have been suraunded be people all my life. My relatives, my parents, school mates and such. But still at the same time i have been alone all my life as well.

I suppose you might think if someone says things like these, then he/she just didn't have anyone who would care or protected him/her. But i think i can disagree on that. Well… What i am saying is that i have had my mom for all the times, and i am sure she can be considered as someone who loves me and wishes me best. I had a few other people, who did some good things to me and helped a lot. I had people, i may say showed a lot of care.

I don't know though why still i feel this way? You shall ask if something terrible happened to me or i am going through hard times, but respond to all that would be NO.

Everyone at some point faces bad situations and problems throughout life, so do i. So nothing special about my issues. 

But this loneliness. I just don't know how to make it go away. Even when i am happy and suraunded by good news i still know i am lonely. 

There isn't a person who would promise to go through life with me, who would promise to hold my hand till the end no matter what, no matter am i at my best or worse. There isn't one who would love me JUST the way i am, when i am good, when i am bad, when i am a liar or the most reliable one, when i am the best helper ever or the laziest one.

Of course i don't mean my mom or other family members. 

Person i loved, only time in my life, has been the best i had and helped a lot and cared as much. But i lost hope. I might be at times not the best friend ever, but i never allowed myself to say i was sick of him or i didn't simple want to see him. He did. And it hurts. A lot. There is a lot of love in me to him, but not a drop of trust. And don't say ''if you love, you frorgive and trust no matter what'' if you have never knew this feeling.

I love trains. It takes me to places where my phone doesn't work. It keeps me warm and safe from rain and winds. It shows me beuty of the nature and forces to forget about the rest of the world and it's problems.

I have been working as an administrator of a gumbling club. I started in the beginning of july. As well for about two weeks or so i am working as an administrator in Jason's company. He isn't in the country yet. He will return in september. 

He says that we won't live together when he is back. That we will stay away from each other for some time. That upsets me.. 

I again have probema with my mom. I am tired. I am tired of my family, i am tired of being alone and lonely. I am tired of working all the time, i simply want to sleep, at least once for as long as i want. 

Now i am sitting in the parck, all alone, my cousin has just left me. We agreed to meet, as we have not seen each other for a long time. She came here with her boyfriend i don't like. So we couldn't really talk about anything. Just wasted time and money. She didn't invite me to her home as she always does, she just left. 

Also the apartment Jason rents for someone, stayed empty for the whole summer. I could easily live there and not suffer with my mom. He didn't even think about that. 

I am sitting here, writing these lines realizing that i don't want to go home, but i have no other place to go. .

What...will go..

I am so bored. I don't know what to do. I miss him. I am going crazy alone. I need him. I need him right by my side. But it is not going to happen. Not soon. More than a month. About fifty days. I can't make it. I am dieing so slowly. Day after day. 

Some writer said once, that the most painful love is not that one which is Unrequited, but that one which is mutual but two hearts can't be together. That is true. I love him so much. And i know he loves me. I know we both suffer. Why, why, God, we can't be together? What are you testing us for?

You know… i have been waiting for this meeting for so long… Finaly we met. And this time we spent together has gone away so quickly… I just met him yesterday morning, and now he is so far away already.

We both realized how much we love each other and how much we need one another. I love him, and now i am sure as i have never been. I don't care how he look and how good he is, i love him more than anything in my life. I would die for him. 

I want to be with him all the time, every minute, every second of my life. I want to be making him happy till my last day of living. 

I now know for sure, i will love him till my last breath. He is Jason, he is my man. He is my life and i belong to him. And noone is allowed to even look at my man's property.

Jason, if you ever read it, please know — i truly love you, with my whole heart, for ever and ever i am always yours.

Well yeah… You have a date with a client. And from me you only need cream and the bloody pills

He is coming to Ukraine for few days. I am over the moon, that happy i am.

But he is rude to me. About the cream, about the pills, about the ticket, about the money. He left me sixteen hundred and i was supposed to use those money for movers, pay for the gorage and the ticket to Kiev. But i used those money to fucking live somehow. 

He says he needs me to come, but he only needs, again, me to do stuff for him. I am sure he doesn't give a fuck about seeing me.

It upsets me a lot. It is hard to accept.