05.10.2014

Last time i saw JC we were not even friends. We broke up.

I think i mentioned that he kept insulting me for a long period of time. Then all of a sudden he said he loves me, wants family and children with me. I tried to get some explanations to what was happening but had no luck. I still want to know why he behavied this way. One day from hating me and insulting to loving me more than anything. It doesnt let me calm down. But whatever. 

He said yesterday that after i finish uni we will start a family. Live here and there a few months. So i could say he sees us together in future. 

Very difficult to see or judge the situation so far. He is coming in a month or so. Probably will stay here for a month as well. JC i remember is terrible, JC that hates me and calls me the worst whore in the city. When we eventually meet it is very interesting what JC he became. I forgot what it is like to be loved by him. I dont know what to say or how to behave myself. I mean i have so many questions i want to know the answers to. But i am afraid to say something that isnt needed and spoil our meeting. 

So exited i am. Will see how it goes. 

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28.08.2014

Even after we really broke up and he left me, left the country, i still kept saying i love him. 

I was sure deep inside that we would end together. I knew all problems and he was cold with me were caused by his illness. 

But after a thousand insults and requests of not writing him i kinda had to stop myself from safering and flying on not existing clouds. I accepted the fact we were completely done. 

Now he is back saying he loves me, wants to have children. I am glad and very happy. That is what i want too. I decided for myself if not him i will never merry and will never have kids. So now i have it. I have him and the future he tells me about. 

All is good. But we have not seen each other for about 4 months. All of a sudden he realizes i am all he needs? I am the only girl in the world that he wants to have a family with? Seems odd. I ask myself if i should believe him. 

Ok. If it is true and this is the way he feels at the moment. What if he gets disapointed when he returns? I mean i am the same girl he said he didnt love anymore. I havent got any better, smarter or whatever. Just if it happens one more time, if he leaves me one more time or i see his upset eyes again — it will kill me. If it doesnt i will kill myself. 

I am not that strong to loose the person i love twice. 

 

When autumn comes we will see what happens. 

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03.08.2014

The best day of three years us knowing each other was the day we first met. Our first date. When we were sitting at a cafe and i was looking at you, looking at you for the first time. I didn't know you then. I didn't know who you were and you didn't know much about me. That time was the best. Time when i didn't know what would happen, didn't know the future. Time whne i could dream, imagine what our life could be. I dreamed about you as a man i did not know, i was falling asleep with a smile on my face. In the morning i was going to school being happy that in the evening i would meet you, all day i was imaging how we would spend that evening. After school taking a bus, then walking on the cracking snow being cold. Those times were the best because of its exitement, the pleasure of the first dates… In the morning i would wake up in such cold apartment but in such a warm bed with you, the stranger. You would pull me closer to yourself being half asleep. So close, hard and with such tenderness to your warm nacked body. Those hugs, those movements you had done without thinking were so honest… I would get up then and watch a TVshow, eat something of your fridge and go to school. 

We could chat on the phone next day so easily, and then not caring about each other until the next time we would meet. I didn't speak english well back then, and your russian wasnt perfect. So most of the time we spent together we would just watch something having smoke breaks and drink wine. But i felt so calm being there in that room by your side. I didn't care about anything, nothin would exist for that night. I just was happy to be there with your eyes smilling at me. We didnt mean much to each other but some how it was the happiest time in my life. 

Remember when you asked me to stay, when you wre saying sorry when in front of you i deleted your number. Your eyes were honest, you wouldn't let me pass the door and now i realize that at that moment you really cared for the first time. I remember your eyes, they were scared, you knew i would go, you knew i didn't care and you were afraid, afraid to lose me. I never saw that honest fear ever again. 

Do we have future? If we do not i will keep those memories for ever, our happiness will stay with me for ever. 

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01,08,2014

Feel empty.

 

The war that started in Donetsk and two villages around the city is moving now. It is coming to Dnepr. People say that ''they'' (who started it all) are moving to the country's heart. Means Kiev. It is spoken that Russia wants us to not be an independed country anymore. When we kill each other completely and when the country goes poor someone will come to ''help us''. This help will be solved by taking us and make us a colony of the country, the one which will come. Some say it will be USA, some say it will be Russia. I think that US doesnt need us and dont really give a damn about us. Most likely it will be Russia. Big brother will take the little one back. Yey. What will happen then? I dont want to be a part of them. I was born in Ukraine, not soviet union.Soviet union was destroyed just a year before i came to this world. That means that i was meant to be born in THIS country, in an independed one, not in a colony. And now it is going to be taken away. My freedom, my home is going to be taken away. How should, or better question how will i live there? Between the strangers, the people i dont want to live with.

My region was the one, like people here thought, most protected. They were wrong. Unfortunately. 

People are going crazy. The shops are almost empty. People are buying everything that can be bought. Some of the products you already can hardly find. They gathering water, as there are gossips that it will be turned off soon for a long period of time. Our goverment already suggests to make our apartments warmer as well as we can, as it is possible we will not have the heating on this winter. 

My city is very small. Almost all people here work at the factories. The products that were made by this plants were being bought by Russia. Only. Now Russia stoped partnership with us. So our products are not needed. There is no work left at the plant. My grandfather has already lost his job. My greandmather recieves pention which is 800uah per a month. My grandfather makes a bit more. Does the goverment care how they will survive? The answer is simple — no. I cant find a job. Companies dont hire people as they have no money to pay with. They dont hire people because they are not sure if their company will exist tomorrow. 

Slowly, quitely my country, my home is falling apart. I want to be wrong. I will be so happy if everything finishes well and we will grow a strong nation, strong country. But today's situation says the opposite. 

My little cousin, who is only six years old told me today ''When the war comes we all will hide in a little bacement that grandparents have under the house. We have some food there hidden. But if they blow up a bomb near the house and the exit will get destroyed we will die down there because the air will run off''. 

Scares me. You dont know wha to excpect and it makes you feel even worse. 

I am left with no job. No money. I am not needed at any place. September comes soon. I need to pay for uni and for the transport to go there… I have about two hundred uah left. That is all my cash. My mom has food to give me, but no money to help me with.

I wish JC were near. He would find the right words to say to make me feel safe, to calm me down. He'd hug me, would kiss me, look me in the eye, play with idiots and i would have only positive thoughts left in my head. I would only care to go to the shop and think about what to eat for dinner. 

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21.07.2014

Don't wanna be in any relationship again. 

I just make people miserable. Feel safer when I am alone. Then  I know that people are protected from my existence. 

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16.07.2014

I understood why I feel so much shame when I see talented people. 

It is not because I am jealous or feel sorry for myself. No. Not at all. It is all coz I worry about you. That there are so many good nice people and you have such an idiot as me. I feel sorry for you,  that you spend your life with a stupid person. 

Well, I suppose I can relax now. I mean we are not dating, you ain't gonna marry me or something, so I shouldn't worry. 

I hope you will find a wonderful girl that will be beautiful and will make your world beautiful. A girl that will make you happy and proud. 

 

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10.07.2014

I have shared a link with you. A link to my heart and brain. I have never had a visitor to my dairy and still have none. It is even better. 

I thought today… I remember you said you don't love me anymore. But I secretly hope you do at least a little bit. 

What if you stop loving me one day. Or what if you really don't love me anymore even now...

I don't know how to live with this. How can I be walking on earth knowing that the only person I have and love doesn't respond with the same. How can I live my life knowing that no one needs me, No one loves me and no one cares.

It scares me. Babe, I am afraid. I want to be with you.

God, please force the destiny to bring us together,  otherwise you will lose a child of yours. I can't and don't know how to exist without him.

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28.06.2014

I feel like we will be together. I mean we were meant to be together. That means that despite everything we will be. Right? This is from one side. 

From another… JC says we will not be in a relationship again. Ever. He says it like it is his desission. He decided so. Again, if it is just a made desission it means it can be changed? Doesn't it? 

Now… how can it be changed? Two ways. First is if he just changes it himself. It will only happen if he will realize that he misses me too much, that he loves me and fuck the world he wants to be with me. Second way is if i force or make him change his desission. It will happen if i persuade him that i love him, that i am still his lil princess, that he will be happy with me, that all will be better than before he left. 

You see, he said that we will not meet. As it will hurt him to see me. Talking about the ''second way'' comes a question: how can i persuade him? Through the messages? Agree that it isn't easy to prove to somebody your love through the emails. It means that i can only hope, that the ''first way'' will come alive. 

Funny. Again — why would he all of a sudden change his desission? It has been two months since he left. And as far as i can see he is doing pretty well without me. The more time passes by the better he will feel. 

I hope and wait when the day comes. The day when he will call me and ask for a meeting. When we meet he will take my hands and will say ''Anastasia i love you. Let's forget about the bad that happened and start a new life. I can't live a normal life without you. Run with me. Let's run away and then there will be only you and me''. But with every new day i fear more and more that it will never happen. I am afraid that this day will never come. 

We will reach the point when it will be too late. He is a lonelyness loving boy. He has been alone for too long. When we got together i hoped that he would get used to have a family. It didn't happen. I guess i failed, i was a bad family. Now he is alone again. Because of me. It is my fault. I didn't prove that i love him. Now i think he will get used to be alone even more. And because of this, as one more reason, we deffinetly won't be together. 

For him i have ruined a picture of a family. I didn't take enough care about him. As a result we have what we have. 

###

I will stay at one place for at least two more years. This is enough to realize if we will be together. If it doesn't happen, if we are not sharing one life, i will do anything to get to India. After i finish UNI i will leave the country whatever it takes. I will go to India and i swear to God i will find a way to be lost there, to stay there and live till the day i die. 

I suppose when i get there i will live at the level of a homeless person. I will not have a cool phone or a tablet with internet; which means i will not have an oportunity to inform JC of where i am. 

You may ask how i feel about leaving my relatives and my mom? I feel shitt. In truth don't give a damn about the relatives, but worry about my mom. Of course i will miss her as hell. But she is my mother. She wishes me best and wants me to be happy. She will be very sad when i leave. But some time will go by and she'll get used to live without me. She'll forgive and accept my choice. 

###

Every day i fall asleep thinking and picturing JC. I picture him, our life. I dream about our life, like we have a little house in the mountains, we are happy there. I ride my bike in the mornings. I climb the hills and feed eagles from my hand, while JC reads on the veranda or writes books. Then i go shopping in the evenings and cook dinners for us. We eat smilling at each other. We watch tv hugging and being happy. We fuck all the time, at every possible place because we love so much that we can't hold this love inside us. I hang around the house wearing qute panties and a t-shirt; and JC looks at me and smiles, smiles with a smile that only he has.

We are happy in my dreams. I heard that if you dream and think a lot about something it comes true one day. 

I hope this day will come. Otherwise i am lost. 

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21.05.2014

 see you have time to visit the website, but don't have time to answer me. Fine. I am cool with that. I don't put myself, and moreover you, by being here. I am not offering sex, i am looking for it. It is nature, i need sex. And nothing bad in it. Why would i feel sorry for it? I will not. Sex isn't the ''oh my god'' phenomena. You worry about my health? Don't. I am not as dum as i used, sadly, to be. Nothing changed about me after our relationship… A lot of things changed. I realized that i don't want to be in one again. Realized that noone really needs me, and so don't i. Esspecialy now, when i live alone in my own apartment, i don't need any bloody one to take care of me. I can do it on my own. As i don't need much. Now, when i am free, i will have a lot of time to work on myself. To ride my bike, to read books, to excersise, to walk, to be lost in woods or trevel by feet or bike, having just water and be treated with apples by some nice old woman in the vilage while passing by. I am free. It is all i need and care about right now. 
Meeting guys for sex. I don't need a serious one to create a relationship or family with. And it is easier and quicker to find the right one here for only what i need from them. You are correct — you have no right to judge me. You are also right — i am a much better person than anyone including you and myself think i am. I will learn how to love and be honest with myself. Noone will ever lie or hurt me again. That is for sure. 
You don't answer as i hurt you in some special way. Why? Who am i to you? Noone.  people do disapoint the others. It is life and it happens a lot. But i am sure you are not as touchy about the rest. You may say right now ''i care for you more than for anybody else''. Yeah. If you did you would respond to me. You wouldn't even write here. Funny, but now I can say that you are being a child. We are grown people. At least you could write me on skype or gmail. But not here. Stupid. 
I am leaving the city on friday. Don't plan to come back. Only three days for uni. I am not sure if we meet again. You know… Funny. Last summer when you left, i was crying every day, and i mean it — every single day. This time… I was at your apartment packing stuff. I decided to have a break. I made some coffe and took a cigarette. Went to the balcony with my headphones on. I was sitting there listening to music, burning my tonge with hot coffe and filling up my body with smoke. I wanted to cry, to let the pain out of my chest. But i couldn't. Sun was making me blind. I closed my eyes and felt a smile on my face. I felt happy. I was glad you are gone. With all my heart i was happy you left. We have done too many bad things to each other. Personally a have hurt you many times. You remember how many times i left. I wanted to go to stop all that. But each time came back because you asked me to. Coming back to the balcone moment. I felt happy because i knew that i will not hurm you anymore. You are happy now. You are doing well. You are getting healthier. The most important is that you are free from me. You are the eagle, as i said once. You are the King, and sadly i ain't even a queen. I would always be pulling you down and making you feel miserable. I am greatful to universe that everything turned out this way. That it set you free from me. 
I am sorry for disapointing you once more. As i promised i will always stay your. Good or bad i am, i am your. I will not belong to anybody else, ever. I did an abortion two times from a man i love, surely not fto have children from somebody else. Don't say the time will come and i will want to have a family and children. Please don't. It will not happen. I already do. I have all a woman needs in her life. I have the Idiots who are my family, i have Holmes who is my son, and i have a man i love. It doesn't matter how far you are or are we close fysically. We are much closer than you think we are. You are in my heart, your spirit is in my soul. Noone is able to be closer. 
I am begging you not to answer me. Leave it the way it is. I don't want to hear that i made you sad again. I know you are happy and i want to live with this thought.

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18,05,2014

In previous letter i was wondering how would i survive after you leave. 

Last summer the night before you were leaving. I was crying. I was going crazy. After you flew away i cried every single day, and i meant it — every day. I just couldn't simply breath without you.

This time. The night before the flight. I didn't sleep all night, reason — didn't want to oversleep, nothing to do with you. Here we are at the airport. You were on the plane. I was standing there alone. Smoking. I cried quitely. I cried because i felt sorry that everything turned out this way. I calmed down and left the area. Went to your apartment to pack your stuff. I had a break. i made some coffe, took a cigarette and went to the balcony with my headphones on. I was looking at the sunny city and the blue sky above me. Hot coffee was hurting my throat and the smoke was feeling up my lungs. I wanted to cry, i wanted to burst into tears and let that pain out off my chest. But… I didn't cry. I couldn't. 

The sun was making me blind. I was closing my eyes and suddenly i felt a smile on my face. I was surrprised by that. I couldn't understand. But later i did. While my body was filled up with smoke and i felt the fresh air around, birds singing; i realized why i was so calm and peaceful. I was happy you left. With all my heart i was glad you were gone. 

We destroyed us. There was nothing left. And we both were struggling. I couldn't allow myself to torture you more, and i was sick of how you had been treating me. You left. This time for ever. It is easy now. Because i just accepted the fact. I plan my life when there are no you. I think of what i will do, where i will be. But i am calm. Because my head and my heart no longer worry about you.

I loved you. I loved you so much. I wasn't the best you ever had. But isn't it love when you accept the other one the way she/he is. I loved you with all your good AND bad sides. I loved you when you treated me like the quin and i still loved you when i was treated like rubbish. I left you many times, but each time i came back because you asked me to. I stayed there. I allowed you to behave like shitt to me. I didn't care. I was happy i was your. Why? Even at those moments i knew you are the best man on earth. 

You were saying it was me who's guilty for all our problems. I don't care right now. I did shitt to you, you did to me. I had been thinking then that you would be happier with someone else. I am not what you need. You are full of energy, life, creativity. You need to rule the world. You are the King, and sadly i ain't even a quin. I would be pulling you down and we both knew it. At the moment you are happy. You are healthy. Everything is good and you are doing well. I am happy. I feel happy that you are finally free. Freedom is your best friend. That's what you need. I feel calm. I am not hurting you anymore. 

You said you don't love me anymore. I don't mind. I don't care. You are happy, that's all i care about. 

You know… it is hard to say if i love you or not. I am not crying. And i try to not think about you. But i feel that i don't want to have any relationships. I said once that i will always be your, and that i will belong to you as long as i am alive. It is true. I am not sure if i still feel the same love, but promise i am still your. 

I don't think we will go back together. You have planned your future and i have planned mine. There is no me in your plans and also there are no you in mine. Our path split up. Now each is going with a seprate road. 

I am greatfull for all the good we had, for the love you once showed, for the memorries and the Idiots, they are my family now. They are the ones who will never leave me and follow me no matter where i go. I am so happy i happened to spend some time with the best human being. Thank you for coming in my life. You are in my heart for ever. I am for ever your, even if we never see each other again. 

Remember me. When the years go by i hope you will remember me as something nice. Forgive for everything i did wrong. I never meant to harm you. Be happy. And try to smile a lot. You are very beautiful when there is a smile from your heart on your face. 

.....

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