Hey everyone.

I am worried. It is about him. I don't know how it happens but everytime he calls me i am not able to answer. How can i explain it to him? The most stupid thing is that i am not at parties or hang around somewhere. It is really i sleep or don't here or simply not on time come to my phone. I am sure he doesn't believe it. He doesn't believe that i can be such an idiot. I wouldn't believe. But it is sadly true. For example last time when he called me three times with an hour gap i was at the cinema. Alone by the way. I bought myself the ticket and watched three movies in a row without leaving the room. Also you are allowed to bring stuff to the place so i bought myself few bottles of beer. Yeah, and like a drunk set there alone drinking and trying to forget all the shit, sorry for a swear. Why fate does this stupid trick all the time? It wouldn't be so pity if i did someting bad, but i don't and that's why it sucks even more. I hope he is a smart boy and will call me again. I want to hear his voice. Or at least writes me, as he has not written me for few days. 

I miss you darling, please talk to me. I need you

I know you don't love me anymore. Nothing will persuade me in the opossite

Hello,

You know, babe, i got a thought today. I was thinking how much you had to love Marina if you went to meet her parents in three month? I wonder how serious you took her to do that. Interesting how you saw your future with her. And Nina as you say is so wonderful.. 

I am curious how now you see us.

Also masturbating today and watching porn… looking at those girls i realized that i am not sexy. At any level. I don't meen visualy. Of course i know that i look bettert than many girls, i have bettert body and such. But i mean… My gesture, the way i hold myself and my behavior — that isn't sexy. You even told me once that i have no idea how to play with a man, and that i need to learn how to BE sexy. I don't feel confident. Few things don't let me to. Such as heairy ass, pussy and stomach, especially stomach, on the second place my butt. 

I don't know if these things come with time or you learn them. I am a girl, and you need a woman. I think i have already used this phrase somewhere once. Funny.

I am afraid that things are not gonna be better after you come back. I mean i love you, but i think you will be disapointed. And if i lose because of this that's gonna be a brogue kick right into my heart.

While you are somewhere there i know that you are kind of mine, you belong to me stiil. I am your, and i don't wanna lose it in september.

Wow, i have servived without you 10 days now. Will i be strong enough to keep doing well?

Hey there.

I have posted all my diaries here, but just deleted them all. Too messy. 

Today is the 4th day since my baby left. We have been dating for more than two and a half years. And for the last three months we lived together. Not that long time ago we started having problems in our relationship. Fought to often. Shorter — didn't do very well. Plus, he had a skin problem. All togethere brought us to the sad end. He decided to leave Ukraine. Not for ever. Just for the summer. 

Now i wonder — what would i like more, if he left for ever or just for this time. 

Last year he left for a month. I did so well living alone, without him. I didn't cry. I wasn't sad. I missed him, but i missed him as a grown person. Now, when he left for three months, i burst into tears every single day. I cry so loud. My soul scream from pain, my heart falls apart. I don't sleep. I am bored. I don't feel like doing something. I don't wanna see anybody. i just wanna die to stop all of these. 

I think that last year i was stronger because i lived in his apartment, and that made me to feel confident and safe. It made me know that he would return to me. And now i live with my mom. he doesn't call or write as often as he used to. And i don't know if we will be together again. He said a lot of sweet things the day before he left. He called me his family, said that he loves me. But what if he did it to calm me down? Or what if he changes his mind in three month? Three bloody months is a long time. 

i really don't know how to servive this time. I don't know if i can be strong enough to stay alive. 

I just need him so much.