Even after we really broke up and he left me, left the country, i still kept saying i love him. 

I was sure deep inside that we would end together. I knew all problems and he was cold with me were caused by his illness. 

But after a thousand insults and requests of not writing him i kinda had to stop myself from safering and flying on not existing clouds. I accepted the fact we were completely done. 

Now he is back saying he loves me, wants to have children. I am glad and very happy. That is what i want too. I decided for myself if not him i will never merry and will never have kids. So now i have it. I have him and the future he tells me about. 

All is good. But we have not seen each other for about 4 months. All of a sudden he realizes i am all he needs? I am the only girl in the world that he wants to have a family with? Seems odd. I ask myself if i should believe him. 

Ok. If it is true and this is the way he feels at the moment. What if he gets disapointed when he returns? I mean i am the same girl he said he didnt love anymore. I havent got any better, smarter or whatever. Just if it happens one more time, if he leaves me one more time or i see his upset eyes again — it will kill me. If it doesnt i will kill myself. 

I am not that strong to loose the person i love twice. 

When autumn comes we will see what happens.