28.06.2014

I feel like we will be together. I mean we were meant to be together. That means that despite everything we will be. Right? This is from one side. 

From another… JC says we will not be in a relationship again. Ever. He says it like it is his desission. He decided so. Again, if it is just a made desission it means it can be changed? Doesn't it? 

Now… how can it be changed? Two ways. First is if he just changes it himself. It will only happen if he will realize that he misses me too much, that he loves me and fuck the world he wants to be with me. Second way is if i force or make him change his desission. It will happen if i persuade him that i love him, that i am still his lil princess, that he will be happy with me, that all will be better than before he left. 

You see, he said that we will not meet. As it will hurt him to see me. Talking about the ''second way'' comes a question: how can i persuade him? Through the messages? Agree that it isn't easy to prove to somebody your love through the emails. It means that i can only hope, that the ''first way'' will come alive. 

Funny. Again — why would he all of a sudden change his desission? It has been two months since he left. And as far as i can see he is doing pretty well without me. The more time passes by the better he will feel. 

I hope and wait when the day comes. The day when he will call me and ask for a meeting. When we meet he will take my hands and will say ''Anastasia i love you. Let's forget about the bad that happened and start a new life. I can't live a normal life without you. Run with me. Let's run away and then there will be only you and me''. But with every new day i fear more and more that it will never happen. I am afraid that this day will never come. 

We will reach the point when it will be too late. He is a lonelyness loving boy. He has been alone for too long. When we got together i hoped that he would get used to have a family. It didn't happen. I guess i failed, i was a bad family. Now he is alone again. Because of me. It is my fault. I didn't prove that i love him. Now i think he will get used to be alone even more. And because of this, as one more reason, we deffinetly won't be together. 

For him i have ruined a picture of a family. I didn't take enough care about him. As a result we have what we have. 

###

I will stay at one place for at least two more years. This is enough to realize if we will be together. If it doesn't happen, if we are not sharing one life, i will do anything to get to India. After i finish UNI i will leave the country whatever it takes. I will go to India and i swear to God i will find a way to be lost there, to stay there and live till the day i die. 

I suppose when i get there i will live at the level of a homeless person. I will not have a cool phone or a tablet with internet; which means i will not have an oportunity to inform JC of where i am. 

You may ask how i feel about leaving my relatives and my mom? I feel shitt. In truth don't give a damn about the relatives, but worry about my mom. Of course i will miss her as hell. But she is my mother. She wishes me best and wants me to be happy. She will be very sad when i leave. But some time will go by and she'll get used to live without me. She'll forgive and accept my choice. 

###

Every day i fall asleep thinking and picturing JC. I picture him, our life. I dream about our life, like we have a little house in the mountains, we are happy there. I ride my bike in the mornings. I climb the hills and feed eagles from my hand, while JC reads on the veranda or writes books. Then i go shopping in the evenings and cook dinners for us. We eat smilling at each other. We watch tv hugging and being happy. We fuck all the time, at every possible place because we love so much that we can't hold this love inside us. I hang around the house wearing qute panties and a t-shirt; and JC looks at me and smiles, smiles with a smile that only he has.

We are happy in my dreams. I heard that if you dream and think a lot about something it comes true one day. 

I hope this day will come. Otherwise i am lost. 

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