21.05.2014

 see you have time to visit the website, but don't have time to answer me. Fine. I am cool with that. I don't put myself, and moreover you, by being here. I am not offering sex, i am looking for it. It is nature, i need sex. And nothing bad in it. Why would i feel sorry for it? I will not. Sex isn't the ''oh my god'' phenomena. You worry about my health? Don't. I am not as dum as i used, sadly, to be. Nothing changed about me after our relationship… A lot of things changed. I realized that i don't want to be in one again. Realized that noone really needs me, and so don't i. Esspecialy now, when i live alone in my own apartment, i don't need any bloody one to take care of me. I can do it on my own. As i don't need much. Now, when i am free, i will have a lot of time to work on myself. To ride my bike, to read books, to excersise, to walk, to be lost in woods or trevel by feet or bike, having just water and be treated with apples by some nice old woman in the vilage while passing by. I am free. It is all i need and care about right now. 
Meeting guys for sex. I don't need a serious one to create a relationship or family with. And it is easier and quicker to find the right one here for only what i need from them. You are correct — you have no right to judge me. You are also right — i am a much better person than anyone including you and myself think i am. I will learn how to love and be honest with myself. Noone will ever lie or hurt me again. That is for sure. 
You don't answer as i hurt you in some special way. Why? Who am i to you? Noone.  people do disapoint the others. It is life and it happens a lot. But i am sure you are not as touchy about the rest. You may say right now ''i care for you more than for anybody else''. Yeah. If you did you would respond to me. You wouldn't even write here. Funny, but now I can say that you are being a child. We are grown people. At least you could write me on skype or gmail. But not here. Stupid. 
I am leaving the city on friday. Don't plan to come back. Only three days for uni. I am not sure if we meet again. You know… Funny. Last summer when you left, i was crying every day, and i mean it — every single day. This time… I was at your apartment packing stuff. I decided to have a break. I made some coffe and took a cigarette. Went to the balcony with my headphones on. I was sitting there listening to music, burning my tonge with hot coffe and filling up my body with smoke. I wanted to cry, to let the pain out of my chest. But i couldn't. Sun was making me blind. I closed my eyes and felt a smile on my face. I felt happy. I was glad you are gone. With all my heart i was happy you left. We have done too many bad things to each other. Personally a have hurt you many times. You remember how many times i left. I wanted to go to stop all that. But each time came back because you asked me to. Coming back to the balcone moment. I felt happy because i knew that i will not hurm you anymore. You are happy now. You are doing well. You are getting healthier. The most important is that you are free from me. You are the eagle, as i said once. You are the King, and sadly i ain't even a queen. I would always be pulling you down and making you feel miserable. I am greatful to universe that everything turned out this way. That it set you free from me. 
I am sorry for disapointing you once more. As i promised i will always stay your. Good or bad i am, i am your. I will not belong to anybody else, ever. I did an abortion two times from a man i love, surely not fto have children from somebody else. Don't say the time will come and i will want to have a family and children. Please don't. It will not happen. I already do. I have all a woman needs in her life. I have the Idiots who are my family, i have Holmes who is my son, and i have a man i love. It doesn't matter how far you are or are we close fysically. We are much closer than you think we are. You are in my heart, your spirit is in my soul. Noone is able to be closer. 
I am begging you not to answer me. Leave it the way it is. I don't want to hear that i made you sad again. I know you are happy and i want to live with this thought.

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