18,05,2014

In previous letter i was wondering how would i survive after you leave. 

Last summer the night before you were leaving. I was crying. I was going crazy. After you flew away i cried every single day, and i meant it — every day. I just couldn't simply breath without you.

This time. The night before the flight. I didn't sleep all night, reason — didn't want to oversleep, nothing to do with you. Here we are at the airport. You were on the plane. I was standing there alone. Smoking. I cried quitely. I cried because i felt sorry that everything turned out this way. I calmed down and left the area. Went to your apartment to pack your stuff. I had a break. i made some coffe, took a cigarette and went to the balcony with my headphones on. I was looking at the sunny city and the blue sky above me. Hot coffee was hurting my throat and the smoke was feeling up my lungs. I wanted to cry, i wanted to burst into tears and let that pain out off my chest. But… I didn't cry. I couldn't. 

The sun was making me blind. I was closing my eyes and suddenly i felt a smile on my face. I was surrprised by that. I couldn't understand. But later i did. While my body was filled up with smoke and i felt the fresh air around, birds singing; i realized why i was so calm and peaceful. I was happy you left. With all my heart i was glad you were gone. 

We destroyed us. There was nothing left. And we both were struggling. I couldn't allow myself to torture you more, and i was sick of how you had been treating me. You left. This time for ever. It is easy now. Because i just accepted the fact. I plan my life when there are no you. I think of what i will do, where i will be. But i am calm. Because my head and my heart no longer worry about you.

I loved you. I loved you so much. I wasn't the best you ever had. But isn't it love when you accept the other one the way she/he is. I loved you with all your good AND bad sides. I loved you when you treated me like the quin and i still loved you when i was treated like rubbish. I left you many times, but each time i came back because you asked me to. I stayed there. I allowed you to behave like shitt to me. I didn't care. I was happy i was your. Why? Even at those moments i knew you are the best man on earth. 

You were saying it was me who's guilty for all our problems. I don't care right now. I did shitt to you, you did to me. I had been thinking then that you would be happier with someone else. I am not what you need. You are full of energy, life, creativity. You need to rule the world. You are the King, and sadly i ain't even a quin. I would be pulling you down and we both knew it. At the moment you are happy. You are healthy. Everything is good and you are doing well. I am happy. I feel happy that you are finally free. Freedom is your best friend. That's what you need. I feel calm. I am not hurting you anymore. 

You said you don't love me anymore. I don't mind. I don't care. You are happy, that's all i care about. 

You know… it is hard to say if i love you or not. I am not crying. And i try to not think about you. But i feel that i don't want to have any relationships. I said once that i will always be your, and that i will belong to you as long as i am alive. It is true. I am not sure if i still feel the same love, but promise i am still your. 

I don't think we will go back together. You have planned your future and i have planned mine. There is no me in your plans and also there are no you in mine. Our path split up. Now each is going with a seprate road. 

I am greatfull for all the good we had, for the love you once showed, for the memorries and the Idiots, they are my family now. They are the ones who will never leave me and follow me no matter where i go. I am so happy i happened to spend some time with the best human being. Thank you for coming in my life. You are in my heart for ever. I am for ever your, even if we never see each other again. 

Remember me. When the years go by i hope you will remember me as something nice. Forgive for everything i did wrong. I never meant to harm you. Be happy. And try to smile a lot. You are very beautiful when there is a smile from your heart on your face. 

.....

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